The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy. – Adrienne Rich.
I have spent the better part of this afternoon perusing a fellow birth mother’s blog. My first baby girl, Rebecca, suggested I might do that, so I could learn more about blogging. It has not been easy to feel her pain. I have experienced so much of what she shares. I have borrowed the quote above from Suz at WritingMyWrongs.com
My heart aches as she shares hers. We share a grief no mother should know. I am most blessed, however, that I have been reunited with the infant daughter I released just a few days after her birth. It has not always been easy. Ours was a closed adoption, in 1978. I never expected she would want to know me. She had loving, generous parents that always prepared her to know me. Sadly, when my own mother learned that I was to be reunited with my baby girl, she could not imagine why I would want that. I can’t begin to express the joy I felt at knowing that my baby girl wanted to know about me. I had built a stone wall, believing such an event could never take place. For 18 years, I could only pray she was loved, healthy and thriving. I would have given anything to see her, to hold her, to know her. How could my mother not understand that? I was certain that she would be happy that God had blessed me so. Powerful emotions rest just below the surface today.
In the midst of all of the triumph, there have been tears. I have finally realized that I was not my most authentic self until now. I have spent 35 years trying to be what my mother wanted me to be. Finally, I am learning to be who God intended me to be. I am free to love and be loved. The love I know is unconditional. I am blessed beyond measure by family and friends, truly joyful for my accomplishment in sharing my story. I am filled with gratitude for those who have reached out and said my story has touched them in some way. I am looking forward to the next baby steps of this journey. I am eager to learn more about my new friend, Jeanette, and about her story. Providence continues. The people in and out of our lives have purpose. Perhaps you need them, or perhaps they need you. My prayers are ongoing for those who have any painful memories from me telling my story. It is my perspective from a time long ago, but brings peace to the soul of this first mom.
Caroline K. Dixon, Author
Providence For A First Mom